Consider a time when your intentions were completely falsified in the view of somebody else. Personally, particularly as a child, I recall being markedly stressed, worried and withdrawn in social situations, due to anxiety. However, to those around me, it read more like rudeness, disinterest and left the impression of a cold, boring individual. This was detrimental to me, as I felt like there was an extreme barrier separating who I truly believed myself to be, and the ‘me’ that others observed. This was when the conflict between sense of self and external perception surfaced in my mind.

A major defining aspect of us as individuals is our sense of self. A being which we construct internally, comprised of our innermost truths, ambitions and opinions. Your identity: formed from the accumulation of your lived and cognitive experiences. But this figure is not yours alone. The version of you that others see is eternally distorted. It is forever fluid, changed, adapting to the lens of the viewer which examines it. Of course, it would be simply unreasonable for us to assume that everyone perceives us in the same way that we do ourselves. Perhaps this is why it feels like such an insult to our very own self concept when somebody else’s rendition is grossly dissimilar to the one which we envisioned.

Certainly, each of us have faced dislike throughout the course of our lives, whether at the receiving end or the one doling out the condemnation. To a certain extent, dislike is a rather simple concept. Somebody disagrees with or opposes your character, your appearance, whatever it may be. In this instance, the external party encounters their perception of you, and does not respond well to it. Yes, it is painful to experience being disliked, but it does not directly challenge our internal narrative. It is a response to the characteristics of ourselves which outside observers encounter, whether they may be justified or not. It is a negative review, if you will, of our sense of self, rather than a thought which contradicts it.

Alternatively, misunderstanding is concerned with much deeper facets of our character. When we believe that we are accurately presenting ourselves, it can be immensely confronting when somebody misconstrues that image. Misunderstanding can cause an individual to directly question their own authenticity, their style of communication, and their self concept. After all—if our identity, removed from our own mind, simply exists in the judgements others make, and it is misinterpreted—which is true? The self we recognise, or the one others believe in? Thus, this line of reasoning guides the misunderstood party towards a harrowing ultimatum. They must question the legitimacy of their own self concept against the proof derived from external perception; a direct attack upon one’s selfhood.

Beyond the issue of authenticity being challenged when misunderstanding arises, lies the matter of social consequences. If one is repeatedly misunderstood, a feeling of dejection or disillusionment with others can arise. Such a notion can be detrimental to the mental and social health of an individual, and discourage them from pursuing deep connections with others due to the belief that nobody will understand them. The media often relies upon the stereotype of the misunderstood villain, but in reality, it is hyperbolic of the brewing underside of misunderstanding. If one feels disconnected from others entirely, then can they really be expected to contend to their morals, to their norms? At such an extent, misunderstanding contributes towards an existential isolation from the human condition, a repercussion that far exceeds the conclusion of being disliked.

It then becomes clear that that feeling of hurt, of injury that results from misunderstanding is a much more multifaceted, internal strike than superficial dislike. Being misunderstood damages us as it contradicts our strong sense of self, and goes against our fundamental pillars of selfhood. It forces us to consider that we may not truly be the person that we believe ourselves to be, or disconnects us from others as we feel that they don’t have the care or capacity to comprehend our complex selves. If our sense of self is even partially dependent on the opinions of others, then misunderstanding transcends social context and becomes a philosophical issue. It pushes us to confront a realisation that we would rather avoid: whether we are defined by what we believe ourselves to be, or by the version of us that exists in other people’s minds.

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